Charlotte's Journal
by Down Iris
Summary: Charlotte Lucas acts as she does because she is a lesbian, and possibly Anne de Bourgh is too!
1. First Musings

_Summary:_ Charlotte Lucas is a lesbian, and possibly Anne DeBurgh is too!

_Disclaimer:_ I do not have any rights to nor make any money from the characters in this story.

**Charlotte's Journal**

a Pride and Prejudice fanfiction

by Down Iris

I start this journal on the day of my engagement with Mr. Collins. I am well satisfied with my conquest, though I dislike the man. He is weak enough that I can lead him, and his situation is all that I require, the security of a good home.

When I first met Mr. Collins, he was pursuing my good friend Elizabeth. I initially joined the conversation with him on her behalf, to give her relief from his attention. I have always had a fond regard for Lizzy, and her happiness is important to me.

I have never thought much of men in general, although I love my father and brothers well enough. But the thought of being in love with one, like Lizzy dreams of, seems incomprehensible. Instead, my love has always been directed toward women in general, and over the years, to Lizzy in particular.

Unfortunately for me, my family, though well-off, cannot support me forever, and I cannot marry Lizzy, even if she wanted me. Therefore it has been my aim for many years to marry for a comfortable future, knowing that I could never love my husband. As I knew that Lizzy disliked Mr. Collins' attentions, I endeavored to redirect them to myself, helping myself as well as Lizzy. I'm sure there are better men than Mr. Collins, but he will have me, and I will likely never get a better offer.



My wedding day is approaching and I am starting to dread leaving my family. Kent is such a long ways away. And I shall know no one there except Mr. Collins, which is hardly a comfort.

I have persuaded my father and my sister Maria to visit me, and Lizzy has promised to come as well. She shall light up my new house like nothing else can. I shall be so lonely until she arrives.



It has been a few months since I moved to my new home, and I have settles into an adequate, if not wonderful, routine. I see Mr. Collins but little during the day, and I am happy enough with my housekeeping duties. I wish only for a friend to help occupy my time.

I visit Lady Catherine and her daughter Anne at Rosings Park most days, with or without Mr. Collins, mostly for some change. Lady Catherine is not a very pleasant companion, and Anne, though sweet, is very shy and withdrawn in her mother's overbearing presence.

Anne has recently taken to riding her carriage past my house most days, and I welcome this opportunity to converse with her alone. She is much more cheerful outside the confines of her house than she is aroung her mother.



Elizabeth and my sister have been here for several weeks, and I have greatly enjoyed their company. I don't feel nearly as lonely since they have been here.

We have been invited to Rosings more often during their visit, as Lady Catherine seems fond of their company, or at least likes new ears to preach to. Elizabeth is her usual self and doesn't bow down to Lady Catherine's wishes, which amuses me immensely. I think Anne, who has been under her mother's thumb all of her life, takes comfort in knowing that rebellion is possible.



Elizabeth and Maria have returned home, and I miss their presence. I look forward to Anne driving by every day even more than I did before. She is starting to occupy my thoughts at random times. I think of her while sewing or reading, and I can't help but smile.

I think that Anne is replacing Lizzy in my mind. I still care deeply for Lizzy, but she has acted a little reserved towards me since my marriage. I suppose I can't blame her, given my mercenary actions. But Anne understands that one must work with one's circumstances to find happiness, because she must put up with her mother.


	2. Second Musings

_Disclaimer:_ I do not have any rights to nor make any money from the characters in this story.



Anne de Bourgh has become a great friend of mine in the months since Elizabeth's departure. I am sure she prefers my company as well, as she scarcely ever misses our daily chat in her carriage, and she entreats me to visit Rosings. Her mother tries to keep her downtrodden with baseless fears about her health, and I believe she sees me as a welcome escape.

Over the past few months, I have noticed my feelings for Anne de Bourgh increasing. If I sit next to her when I visit, I am very aware of her physical presence. It makes me nervous, and I want to hold her hand or touch her cheek. If I sit across from her, my gaze automatically drifts to her lovely face, and I almost blush when she looks back at me, especially if she smiles. If she, or especially if Lady Catherine, knew of these thoughts, I would be ostracized from their house and publicly condemned.

I have no hope of Anne returning my feelings, as anyone would be horrified if confided with them. I shall merely be required to hide them as well as I am able. Hopefully, over time with no chance of their return, they shall fade and Anne's presence shall become more bearable. That is all I can hope for.



Lady Catherine has taken ill. She has been gradually getting worse over several weeks, but her indomitable nature prevented her from acknowledging her weakness and calling an apothecary until now. The apothecary says there is little he can do now, the illness must take its course, and she shall either recover, or we will soon be planning a funeral.

Anne has desired my presence even more than usual during this stressful time, and I have be grateful to comply. Anne has confided to me that she has often wished for her mother's death, and now feels guilty over these thoughts. I try to comfort her as best I am able, while I secretly agree with her.



My sweet Anne is now donning her new mourning clothes. Her mother died late last night, after battling almost a month after confined to her bed. Mr. Collins seems the only one to truly mourn her loss, but he is even now turning his attention and false flattery to the daughter. Anne seems more cheerful than I have ever seen her, as though a lifelong burden was lifted from her shoulders with Lady Catherine's departure. She continues to be respectful of her mother's death, but I can tell that she secretly rejoices, and I am happy that she is happy.


End file.
